The Ultimate Responsibility

A defense and indictment

I have mixed feelings about writing this post. My goal is to have a place to express myself not to become embroiled in debates and polemics. Yet, I feel that this is something that needs to be stated. I have tried to write this in the least inflammatory way possible and hope it is received as such.

Introduction

I was not planning on weighing in on the recent conversation about the LGBT members of the frum community as much has already been said. Shulman, who started the discussion, was writing from a place of compassion, which is the wholly inadequate best that the community currently has to offer. Ash wrote, and has written on the topic from a similar, albeit somewhat more liberal, perspective as well. Nochum Weiss and Ben Torah wrote pieces from the perspective I hold. Zelig wrote from the perspective of his current experience, and we even had a comment from the protagonist of the story himself.

So everything should be tied up in a neat bow. The frum community can’t or won’t change but perhaps this, and similar conversations, will move the needle away from the stigma and homophobia that have characterized the community toward a place of empathy and acceptance. It won’t solve the problem but it would make the plight of frum LGBT people a bit more bearable. But there’s one part of the conversation that feels unresolved.

Ironically, the piece that’s making me weigh in is the post from Ben Torah. Although I'd prefer a gentler tone, I agree with nearly every point he makes. Even in regard to the part I’ll spend the rest of the post discussing, the difference lies in degree rather than kind. In his article, Ben Torah discusses a comment by Duvid Kaufman, a closeted gay man who wrote that he has not disclosed his sexual orientation to his wife. Ben Torah writes that, from his point of view, this means the resulting sexual encounters are “rape adjacent” as Mrs. Kaufman is unaware of an essential piece of information about their marriage. Ben Torah also acknowledged that Duvid is a victim as well and may not bear some or all of the moral responsibility for the harm.

Consent in the frum world

I don’t think that Ben Torah went far enough in either of those points. The term rape adjacent is a bit strong but it’s clear that Ben Torah is correct that the sexual activity is not fully consensual. What is not being stated is that frum life is full of sexual encounters that fall on the wrong side of the consent-rape spectrum. The examples are a dime a dozen.

A couple having sex the night of the chasuna because the chosson rebbi said it’s important even if they’re exhausted and would rather take it slow.

A woman using a bedika cloth even though she’s still sore from childbirth just so that she can get a hug from her husband.

A man having unprotected sex because he couldn’t get a heter for birth control despite not feeling ready to have more children.

A wife feeling pressured to have sex whenever her husband requests it because her kallah teacher told her that it’s her role.

A bachur advised to tell his rebbi every time he masturbates.

A spouse having sex with someone they find unattractive because they didn’t know attraction was important when they were in shidduchim.

Frum life is full of rules that require everyone to relinquish their sexual autonomy. Halacha and a rov are a third presence in every couple’s intimate life. The rules cover when you should or shouldn’t have sex, where you can and can’t have sex, what you can and can’t do during sex, and even what you should and shouldn’t be thinking during sex. Even the most lenient versions are detailed and intrusive.

The real aggressor

The second part that Ben Torah did not emphasize enough is Duvid’s status as a victim. He is right that Mrs. Kaufman is not engaging in consensual sex. But neither is Duvid. How else do you describe someone saying that they feel compelled to engage in sex with a person they have no attraction to? Duvid later provided some more background, which makes the moral picture even blurrier.

The problem then becomes who is to blame for all this nonconsensual sex. Men and women of the jury, I submit to you that the religion is to blame.

When we focus on the people involved in the story, we lose sight of the overwhelming context leading up to it. We can talk about creepy rabbeim being overly involved in the life of their talmidim, crazy kallah teachers giving bad advice to young women, and devious spouses using each other for their own needs. But doing this ignores the fact that these same people are often well meaning, and completely clueless people trying to do the right thing. While there is some level of personal responsibility to be had, the larger portion of the responsibility is systemic.

Before continuing, I want to state in no uncertain terms that I am not trying to diminish the very real harm and pain in any of the instances I mentioned. I am also not defending any predators or excusing the very real sexual abuse that occurs all too often in the community. At some point, personal responsibility becomes the primary factor if it was within the person’s ability to act otherwise. Even if it wasn’t, we might act as if it was because the harm caused warrants a response, or because we need to punish actions to prevent future victims. I am not an expert in ethics and would not presume to act as judge, jury, or executioner. The reason I offer this perspective is because it seems to be missing from the conversation and should be considered.

The causes

While there are many factors that lead to these tragic outcomes, three seem most relevant. Each of these deserve their own posts but I’ll try to be concise.

1. The requirements and prohibitions that don’t leave much room for variation in sexual expression. If you are able to shut down your sexual urges on demand, satisfied with heterosexual missionary sex, with one person in a dark room, at night, ending with internal ejaculation, then you’re in luck. But if you have sexual urges that you can’t repress, get pleasure from masturbation, want sexual variety, have fetishes, or, heaven forbid, aren’t completely straight then you’re in trouble. The good news is that you now have a holy tafkid of overcoming your animalistic urges. The bad news is that there is no other option.

While eiver katan theory¹ might seem realistic to a mashgiach giving a shmuz, reality begs to differ. Perhaps some people will successfully live in accordance with the rules, but many, probably most, cannot. And when a person is cut off from any healthy sexual outlet, they will start engaging in unhealthy outlets. You lose the opportunity for sex to be a place of exploration and pleasure. Instead you get guilt, secrecy, and desperate attempts to satisfy forbidden urges. Sometimes the only victim is a guilt ridden bachur with a porn addiction, sometimes it’s a spouse who got cheated on, sometimes, it’s women in Manhattan who find out they slept with a married rabbi, and sometimes it's people who did not realize they were unable to consent to sex.

2. The nearly nonexistent sexual education system. From an early age, any contact with the opposite sex is kept to a minimum. Girls are told how important it is to be tznius, boys are told about the importance of shemiras einaim, and every possible effort is made to keep them from interacting. While some parents provide their children with a comprehensive sexual education, most people I know learned about sex from furtive discussions in the back of the classroom, gemaros about biyah, and the internet. On an institutional level, the topic is virtually ignored until chosson/kallah classes. The classes themselves vary greatly in quality and scope and may consist of mainly hilchos niddah with a little bit of hilchos tznius at the end. There is no real quality control in place to ensure that the chosson rabbeim and kallah teachers are suited for the task or have the knowledge and skills needed for something so sensitive.

I know a number of people who were led terribly astray by their naive or overreaching chosson rabbeim and kallah teachers. Important topics like consent, birth control, expectations, previous sexual experiences, and techniques are often ignored in favor of discussing an unrealistic idealistic version of marital intimacy. Of course, no one I know was asked if they aren’t heterosexual. It's no surprise that a gay person can complete the process thinking that marrying a woman will magically make him straight. But let’s be honest, even if all the premarital rabbonim and teachers were all trained sex therapists, the system would still be terrible. You just can’t pretend that sex doesn’t exist until right before marriage and expect everything to work out. If there is a healthy way to approach sex from an orthodox perspective, it isn’t happening.

3. The community system itself. Seeker wrote an insightful post with many of the relevant points on the matter so I won’t discuss this at length. The main point is that in a society that values conformity and prioritizes the wellbeing of itself as a whole over that of individuals is not going to be very effective at ensuring sexual autonomy.

There isn’t much need to elaborate on this. The history speaks for itself. Yes, progress has been made on these fronts in recent years but the efforts have been largely driven by grassroots movements, often with the opposition of community leaders. As it pertains to this post, it is certainly reasonable to say that the system is complicit in the nonconsensual actions of its members.

Conclusion

This post ended up being far longer than initially planned. To summarize, there is a lot of nonconsensual activity occurring in the frum community. While it can be tempting to blame the rabbanim, spouses, and actors involved in these encounters, this should only be done in the context of the ultimate factor; the religion and its resulting community. The religion restricts sexual activity leading to adherents adopting and espousing harmful views. It also leads to a lack of healthy outlets, sometimes leaving harmful actions as the only available option. The lack of sexual education further compounds these problems by denying community members the knowledge they need to make ethical choices. Lastly, the conformist nature of the community makes ethical decisions less attractive and viable by adding serious social costs to deviations from the norm.

The goal of the post is to shift the conversation from attacking victims and pointing fingers at individuals to focusing on the underlying causes of this widespread problem. The plight of gay people in the community is one important piece of a far larger problem.

Edit: Some of the comments suggest that my point may not have come across clearly. The post was written as a defense of Duvid and an indictment of the system. I do believe his wife is being harmed, but I don't think the ultimate responsibility lies with him. Rather, the responsibility rests with the religious system, which is damaging them both.

1. Ayin Sanhedrin 107a